You can't imagine it unless you've been there."
by Chibichan5
Summary: This is my 1st fanfic, and kind of crappy, but anyway--I put a twist in the scene where Raiden is betrayed. Instead of being put to sleep, he is forced to dress as a woman, to avoid torture and give Snake some time. Please R + R.
1. The deal.

Yes, as we all know, Snake and Raiden and Olga don't belong to me. But this story belongs 100 percent to me, Chibi Chan. Thank you, and please keep checking.  
  
Snake: Okay, here's the deal: *looks around with shifty eyes* We use the kid as bait, to allow us to get a close look at Arsenal gear.  
  
Olga: I like that. ^^  
  
Raiden: What? *is confused* If Ocelot finds me, I'm gonna be tortured!  
  
Snake: Well, there's another way you might get away with it…*scratches at a stubble of facial hair*  
  
(Olga pulls something from a little pack she had with her)  
  
*Raiden is shocked* Raiden: A skirt and a heart-patterned T-shirt? Are you nuts?  
  
*Olga shrugs* Olga: It will be your disguise. *Suppresses a smirk* You'll divert the attention of the guards perfectly fine.  
  
Snake: Matches with your face…*smiles*  
  
*Raiden kicks Snake* Raiden: You are 40, have a beer-gut, and wanted to ask Emma out. You seriously think that I'm amusing?  
  
Olga: Hide behind the crates and put it on. Now.  
  
(Raiden slips behind stacked boxes and is changing into the feminine clothing)  
  
Snake: *shouts, lighting a cigarette* No Skull suit!  
  
Raiden: *from behind the crates* You mean I'll be naked?  
  
Snake: Kid, kid, kid…*slaps his forehead* The skirt is up to your feet, long enough to cover your jewels!  
  
(Several of Raiden's mumbles of confusion break the silence)  
  
Raiden: How do you put this thing on?  
  
Snake: Don't tell me YOU'VE never put on a skirt before…Back in '71, I had to infiltrate Outer Heaven wearing a ------. *looks around, puffing away at his smokes* (Olga's eyes fall on Snake in disbelief, and even Raiden peeks his head from the corner of the crates)  
  
(A few minutes pass and Raiden emerges from behind his little hiding place)  
  
Snake: O.o That's…odd. You have the skirt on, though. *is laughing, grabbing Raiden's Skull suit and flinging it over his shoulder*  
  
Raiden: I can tie my hair back too. You have a scrunchie?  
  
Olga: No…and you can't have your dogtags showing!  
  
(Raiden undoes his dogtags from his neck and Olga ties his hair into a ponytail with the chain)  
  
(Snake digs into his pockets and pulls out 2 chopsticks)  
  
Raiden: Huh? Those are Emma's!  
  
Snake: Meh, *shrugs* She was long dead anyway, and I thought you'd need them…*sticks it in Raiden's hair*  
  
Raiden: Well, anything else?  
  
Snake: I also have some of Rose's lipstick…*his grin widens*  
  
Raiden: Oh no…I'd rather kiss a piece of crap then have her lipstick on my lips!  
  
Snake: You want to get tortured??  
  
Raiden: Well, no.  
  
Snake: Then shaddap, and let me apply some of this. (Raiden winces as Snake places some on Raiden's lips)  
  
Snake: Hey, it's not like I'm putting some antiseptic on your wound, or something! Pucker up for me!  
  
Raiden: *is disgusted* No! And don't remind me of that injury you gave me.  
  
Snake: Just a little flesh wound, nothing to cry about. *shrugs, tossing the lipstick aside*  
  
Raiden: Yeah, if my rib is ripping through my muscle?  
  
Snake: *shrugs again* Just a flesh wound.  
  
(Olga watches in amusement, and then digs in her handy bag for two oranges.)  
  
Olga: You men are like boys with toys. Always arguing. Here. *holds up two oranges*  
  
(Raiden grabs them, and digs his nail into one, creating a nick in the orange's skin) (Olga and Snake's eyes bare upon him)  
  
Raiden: What? I'm hungry!  
  
Olga: Snake and I originally wanted to have one for ourselves, but you need it for your disguise.  
  
Raiden: The heck? You never told me about this! BETRAYAL!!!  
  
Snake: Too bad.  
  
(Olga slips both oranges into Raiden's shirt)  
  
Olga: Those are your breasts.  
  
Raiden: This is unnerving. (Looks at them) God, they're heavy too. Wonder if they'll hold..  
  
Snake: Quit whining, albino boy, just live with 'em. Frankly, I think you look pretty snazzy---  
  
Olga: STOP DREAMING! *slaps Snake to end his trance*  
  
Snake: No, really..  
  
Raiden: Is that all? Can I go?  
  
Snake: Not yet, kid. Now, you have to walk like a girl.  
  
Raiden: What the hell?! Are you insane?!  
  
Snake: DO IT! You know, that swishy walk...  
  
Raiden: I don't...understand...  
  
Snake: God, do I have to show you everything? (begins to walk in a feminin manner)  
  
Raiden: (takes his camera from his wetsuit and takes pictures) Gotcha! (smiles) What will your fans think when they see how really "masculine" you are?  
  
Snake: GRRRRRRR!  
  
Olga: Stop arguing! Now boy, keep a constant look out to make sure your, um, "oranges" don't fall out. The guards will be suspicious, trust me.  
  
Snake: (Playfully slaps Raiden on the back, causing an orange to fall out. Raiden catches it, and reapplies it in his shirt to where it belongs.) Knock 'em dead! I'll be waiting for you in the hangar after I get a glimpse of a safe path to Arsenal.  
  
Raiden: And if I'm drugged?  
  
Snake: Uh…you'll find your way. I'll talk to you later via Codec when I'm ready. MOVE IT!  
  
(Snake and Olga disappear down the corridor)  
  
More to come peeps, I'm sorry that this isn't really funny, but some days you just can't write. 


	2. And...he's off! (A short chapter.)

(Raiden runs down the hall, constantly hiding behind crates and walls)  
  
Raiden: Damn, these oranges are falling…  
  
(Trying to adjust the oranges, he bumps into a Russian guard)  
  
Guard: Who are you? (looks at Raiden with interest)  
  
Raiden: Uh…*forces a high-pitched voice* Uh…  
  
Guard: (is talking on his radio) In the Jejunum, we have a visitor…a woman!  
  
(Raiden lifts an orange that's suspended at his stomach. Quickly he looks up the Guard, who had been watching him with a lovestruck look.)  
  
Guard: Nice hooters. (Grins)  
  
Raiden: Pardon me?  
  
Guard: Hehehehe…(Points to Raiden as a few more guards join him)  
  
Raiden: (mutters, closing his eyes) Shoot. (He begins to run down the hall, holding the oranges, and quickly turns the corner. His shirt catches on a jagged edge of a crate, and it rips apart)  
  
Raiden: $@*^&! This can't be happening…Wait! (He runs into a locker half- nude and closes the door)  
  
Raiden: (thinks) All I have is a bandage with me. (it takes him a few moments to figure out a plan) That's right! They won't bother to look under a bandage! Shoot, I need to cover up and make this look real. But I don't have fake blood…(He looks around the locker for something above. A jagged piece of sheet metal. Perfect!)  
  
Raiden: This will hurt, but it's the only way I can hide my identity…*He places the metal against his skin, and cuts himself across his chest. Making sure no blood drips on the floor, he wraps the bandage around his chest, and around the oranges too. He slips out the locker, swearing under his breath.))  
  
(The 2nd Guard grabs Raiden's arm with a smile)  
  
Raiden: !! Don't touch me! (pulls away instinctively)  
  
Guard 1: Ocelot will deal with her, right?  
  
Guard 2: This one is quite the irritated one, eh? (stops laughing) This woman has muscles…  
  
Guard 1: And what broad shoulders! A soldier in making! ^^  
  
(Both guards engage in a hearty laugh as they lead Raiden into Ocelot's chamber.) 


	3. The Hilarity ensues!

Guard 2: We have found this girl, Shalashaska. (Both guards stand at both sides of Raiden. )  
  
Ocelot: (scratches his moustache in astonishment) How interesting. Boss, say hello to our friend!  
  
(Solidus advances from the shadows and takes a good look at Raiden's face. Raiden's turns away)  
  
Solidus: If I didn't know better, this is…my son!  
  
Raiden: swears under his breath Crap!!! (Raiden lowers his head, and he speaks with his falsetto tone.)  
  
Raiden: My name's…Jacqueline.  
  
Ocelot: Your son's male. This can't be the one. Jack would make the good torture victim…I'd crush his body, and fry him until he screams!! (Ocelot's voice is dripping with sadism and apprehension.)  
  
Raiden: (screams) Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! (looks around) I mean, "No!", that torture victim would say!  
  
(Solidus narrows his eyes) Solidus: Numbskulls, you have hurt her?  
  
Guards: No sir, she ran, and we caught up with her, the bandage already there.  
  
Solidus: That means one of our Tengus might have gotten her.  
  
(An extensive pause follows where the terrorists talk among themselves.)  
  
Ocelot: (smiles) I'm sorry Jacqueline, we have no need for you. (draws his Revolver and fires)  
  
Raiden: Oh god no. (winces, expecting to feel the burning pain near his heart, if not, the lethal shot)  
  
................................  
  
(Instead, something occurs that shocks all of them---the bullet sinks into the left orange, saving Raiden, and orange juice squirts out instead of blood.)  
  
Ocelot: WHAT?!?! (fires on the other side, and the bullets enter the right orange, the juice splashing onto everyone's face.)  
  
Raiden: Ahehehehe...um, ow?  
  
Solidus: (He stares at Raiden, anger crawling in his voice) Get the bandage off.  
  
Raiden: Ahhhh! (a high-pitched scream escapes his lips, before he retains his feminin cover-up voice)  
  
That's—disgusting! Don't touch me!!  
  
Guards: May we do the honours? (the two Tengus approach Raiden) 


	4. Uh-oh...

Ocelot: This is going to be great...(grins, musing, and he reaches for his camera)  
  
Solidus: I told you, stop with those sick pictures!!  
  
Ocelot: Aw, just one? (pleads)  
  
Solidus: You already have ten of my son... -.- What about my son interests you?  
  
Ocelot: I'm making a nude collage...? (he suggests, trying hopefully to convince Solidus to allow him to take a picture)  
  
Solidus: (raises an eyebrow) An obscene collage out of photos? Collage? With those perverted photos?  
  
Ocelot: Um, yes!  
  
Solidus: (clears his throat, half-turning towards Shalashaska, his face hinting his disgust) By the way, I stumbled upon your private photo album. I see you've really made it so "private", and I'm not speaking "private" as in "secretive".  
  
Ocelot: Ehehehehe...(is cornered) Eeeeeeeeee...(feels "hot under the collar" (Figure of speech))  
  
Solidus: Stop that nervous laughter, it's terrible aggravating. -.-  
  
Ocelot: (he wipes his sweaty, shaking hands against his trench coat) Will you forget it?  
  
Solidus: What?  
  
Ocelot: (desperation shows on his face) Bury the hatchet? Never speak of this again? Please? (grasps Solidus by the collar and shakes him) YOU CAN'T TELL...!!!!!!!!  
  
Solidus: Yes I can...(grins) Remember, I'm at the advantage now...I know your sick, little obsession...To protect yourself from humiliation, you must obey my every orders, even if it means massaging my feet.  
  
Ocelot: You can't do that to me, Boss, no WAY!!  
  
Solidus: Oh, I can...(smirks, and shouts) OCELOT COLLECTS POR---  
  
Ocelot: Okay...I submit...(gets on his knees)  
  
Solidus: Sweeeeeet...(kicks off his jackboots) Let's begin, shall we? Start with the left one...it's terrible diseased...and watch the blisters, they tend to burst..  
  
Ocelot: (shudders) Y-Yes sir...(mumbles) I'll never forgive myself for this...  
  
Solidus: You said something? (smiles)  
  
Ocelot: Nothing, Boss. -.-"  
  
Raiden: (backs up as far as he can go, until he feels the wall) Oh no....(fights with the Tengus, purposely making it hard for them, and not willing to surrender passively)  
  
Solidus: There's no point to fight...no one can hear you anyway...Jacqueline..  
  
Raiden: ...(pauses, knowing something was said, but wasn't paying attention at the time) (flails his arms wildly, and begins to scream anyway) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaraaaaaaaaaaaaagh!  
  
Tengu: I got her! (holds Raiden's arms back)  
  
Raiden: Let go of me, you piece of crap! (struggles frantically, and breaks free)  
  
Solidus: You good-for-nothing guards can't even keep a woman down? (fumbles for his boot and hurls it at a Tengu, and lashes a tentacle arm at the blond fugitive)  
  
Tengu 1: Hey! (rubs his head) (mumbles) F*** you, you feeble old man.  
  
(The arm fastens around Raiden, and he is reeled towards Solidus's chair)  
  
Raiden: Eeeep! (vainly outstretches his arms to the exit)  
  
Solidus: (places Raiden on the armrest of the swirly chair he's resting on) This will only hurt for an instant... (smiles) (his fingers fasten onto part of the bandage)  
  
Raiden: (his tries to push Solidus's arms away, and he shouts in his fake voice) STOP TOUCHING ME!  
  
Ocelot: Uh-oh...(chuckles, and takes a picture of Solidus)  
  
Solidus: (snarls) Why you--!?! That's it!!! (tears the bandage off)  
  
Raiden: ACK! (freaks out, not from pain, but from surprise) (stares at the ground, and slaps his face) Aw f***...  
  
(The oranges fall with a plop, multiple bullets in both of them)  
  
(the surrounding eyes go to the oranges, and then to Raiden's upper body)  
  
Snake: (On CODEC) Okay, you can come back now kid, I'm waitin' for ya...  
  
Raiden: (hears Snake's voice in his ear) .........A little problem..  
  
Snake: Problem?! (his voice is lost in the crackling)  
  
(The silence is terrible unnerving)  
  
Raiden: ...(his face reddens) You've never seen a man before??!  
  
Tengu: (stares at Raiden with wide-eyes) She had...plastic surgery?  
  
Solidus: (slaps the idiotic guard upside the head) It's Jack, you fool! (grounds his teeth, fury shaking him visibly) JACK!!!  
  
Raiden: You've got that crazy look in your eyes...(jumps off the armrest, very much afraid)  
  
Ocelot: I'll handle this, Boss...Ha! (blocks the doorway) I told you we'd meet again, boy...This time, we're ALL staying for the show...  
  
Raiden: (stares with wide eyes) Huh? Show?  
  
Ocelot: (quickly locks up Raiden to the torture table) Remember this? (rubs his hands in delight) I'm going to enjoy this...(fingers the lever)  
  
(From the Hangar, Snake absentmindedly calls Raiden, and hears something that makes his hair stand on end)  
  
Raiden: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! (sounds of crackling electricity) SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE, YOU SAID THE DISGUISE WOULD WORK!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Snake: (laughs for a good deal of time) You ASSUMED it did, kid. You never asked me if it would work 100%! (cracks his knuckles, and lights a cigarette, propping it between his teeth)  
  
Raiden: I'm gonna KILL YOU! (zapping sound) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaah!!!!! (two clanking noises, followed by a shout is heard)  
  
Snake: Doubt that...(smirks, turning off his nanomachines, and paces casually down the hanger)  
  
(Minutes later, a bruised, half-dead, yet maddened Raiden is visible on the opposite side, gaining ground amazingly quickly) (Snake didn't pay attention to those "clank" noises, which was the sound of Raiden breaking through the cheap restraints)  
  
Snake: DAMN...( pants profusely, his belly bursting from under his utility belt, his fat jiggling) I shouldn't have eaten that lard...So fattening...but so...GOOD!  
  
Raiden: (smiles strangely) Here's something I should have done a loooooooooong time ago...  
  
Snake: Whoa, I'm sorry, kid...you're just a fruit, I mean, just an idiot, I mean...arg! IT'S SLIPPING OUT! (jumps up in surprise, and tries to cower into a corner) (If only his fans saw him...)  
  
(tries to joke around* Showin' off the 6-pac, huh? They should call ya "6 –pack Jack"!  
  
(sees Raiden's expression change) I'm dead, ain't I?  
  
Raiden: (finds a pair of scissors, and grabs a piece of Snake's mullet) Say goodbye to your flowing mullet!  
  
Snake: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  
  
END? 


End file.
